


Return to Innocence

by Trekgloria



Category: Poldark (TV 2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 08:56:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12884433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trekgloria/pseuds/Trekgloria
Summary: Demelza returns to Ross after her experience with Hugh





	Return to Innocence

Return To Innocence

An iciness crept in and roused Ross. Instinctively he reached to pull Demelza closer to him, knowing how she hated being cold. Half asleep, he realized why he was cold; she was no longer lying against him. The moon cast a bright light into the room and he rolled over to look at the children, to see if she was tending to them. Often Ross would feel her rise from the bed to comfort them, yet he never heard the children cry, but Demelza had a mother's instinct and seemed to anticipate their slightest stirring. But she was not there, nor anywhere in the room.   
Wondering where she was, Ross rose and listened. The muffled sound of a door closing drifted up from below. Walking to the window, Ross saw Demelza alone in the garden, not even Garret followed her, and she crossed quickly to the path which led to the beach. For a moment Ross froze, why was she walking towards the beach? Had Demelza only returned to check on the children and being caught by him had stayed till he fell asleep and now she was returning to Hugh? The thought made him ill. Surely not, Demelza had returned home, come into their bed and clung to him. But why was she waking to the beach in the middle of the night. A glance at the stars and he knew it to be about three. With one look at the children sound asleep, he hurried out the room, down the stairs, and pulled on his boots. He must catch her and stop her from leaving him and returning to Hugh.   
Outside, Ross could not see her, but hurried along the path from the garden to the beach. At the top of the cliff he looked down and saw her alone on the beach looking out to sea. Standing against the sand with the tide far out, she seemed ethereal and ghostly in the cold moonlight. Something about the sea always called her when she was at odds with the world, as it did him. Tonight Ross knew Demelza had much to consider, but to come to the beach alone at this hour was not something he expected from her. Still, how often had he been surprised by her.   
On your own with the majesty of the sea, one seemed small in comparison, and the tide was a mirror of life, never pausing, constantly changing in a locked dance with the moon. The sea could take you away or return you home. Was Demelza seeking counsel from the sea, and would it advise her to stay or go? Ross wondered was Hugh to meet her here, was she early or he late? Looking towards the direction from which Hugh would come, Ross wished he would. Then he could stop him, show Demelza he was not willing to lose her to Hugh. But no one approached.   
Unsure what to do; pursue her, wait, or return to the house, Ross saw Demelza slip off her shoes, then remove her stockings, her dress, and petticoat. Standing in only her shift, she began to walk towards the sea. Her hair was lifted and carried like wings on the wind and Ross feared should she see him watching her she might fly away. As Demelza reached the edge of water, she paused and allowed the first wave to break over her feet, then continued to walk into the water. When she was waist deep, she sank under the waves. For a moment, Ross feared she meant to drown herself and began to run down the cliff and onto the beach.   
Just as he reached the flats, Demelza rose out of the sea, her shift conforming to her lithe body, appearing nude and he was reminded of Aphrodite borne of sea foam from the castrated Uranus. She waited for the next wave and again submerged herself, rising as it retreated, and then a third time slipping under the water and emerging as the water withdrew. Standing, she allowed the waves to break against her groin. He could see she had begun to shiver from the cold. Ross walked towards her, and as he reached the edge of the water, he called her name and she turned and looked at him. Her body wrapped in the thin wet shift, her hair plastered to her head. Ross was reminded of how she looked the first time he saw her, innocent, hurting, but ready to defend herself. Staring at each other, neither seemed to know what to say. Ross stretched his hand out to her, she looked at it as if seeing it for the first time. Slowly Demelza raised her hand and placed it in his. Ross pulled Demelza against his chest, feeling how frail she was, Ross slipped his arm around her waist and supported her and began the walk back to the house. Stopping he gathered her clothes. Her breath was raspy and labored, the cold water was having an effect on her.   
As they reached the cliff face, Ross swept her into his arms and carried her back to the house. As soon as they entered the house, Ross placed her on the settle beside the fireplace and pulled off her wet shift. Looking at her naked body for a moment, Ross reveled in the pleasures Demelza brought in their loving. Once, only to him, but now another man had experienced her body, her caresses, and her response to being penetrated. That loss of something so special reserved for only him was a pain in his heart. Demelza, whom he had first taken when she just reached womanhood and had given herself to him time and time again, bearing his children. Demelza had brought so much pleasure in the most intimate bond, something that once only Ross had experienced, was now known by another.   
Ross realized it was Hugh who had betrayed him by trying to take what had been his exclusively, experiencing her love, what only he had known, now another did. Demelza he understood, whatever someone needed, guilelessly she offered--delivering babies, cooking food for the hungry, providing care and succor to those hurting. Demelza could never refuse to help any who sought her aid. But Hugh had offered something more, his attention, his devotion, his desire, and his need of her. For a moment Ross thought of Elizabeth, when he had gone to her that night, years of longing and desire coalesced in anger. Realizing that another man would take her when he had loved her for so long and after the sacrifice in giving her up. Before that night, Elizabeth had only known one man, her husband Francis. But in his rage Ross had taken Elizabeth, leaving her to compare the two of them. Would Demelza now compare her coupling with Hugh to him? Ross paused, how did he compare? This was a new fear. Francis was but a ghost never to return, yet Hugh was a living man, perhaps one who continued to desire her, and might even try to take her away. Ross had abandoned Elizabeth, both had no choice, the culmination of their history was one night of passion. But Hugh was alive and perhaps his desire was to move heaven and earth to have Demelza. Would Demelza compare them and find more to love in Hugh?   
For the first time Ross realized the depth of Demelza's pain when he went to Elizabeth. Though Ross had bedded a few women, only two had he loved. Elizabeth, who was a desire and longing he could not overcome completely, but Demelza was the woman who provided the life and love he desired. Ross wondered; had he not succumbed to the need to know Elizabeth, rather to possess her as he had planned and imagined all that time in the war and held on to that ideal till that one night, was he to blame for Demelza's decision? Is that what motivated Demelza, would she have given in to Hugh had he not gone first to Elizabeth. And now the realization that Valentine was his, something Demelza had alluded to all these months. And though Ross had told Demelza it was over between he and Elizabeth, still he had kissed Elizabeth, not as Demelza imagined, but yes he had kissed her. Could Demelza ever believe it wasn't done in love, part of an ongoing liaison? Why had he kissed Elizabeth? Why? Even Ross wasn't sure exactly, some desire for Elizabeth always remained within him, his fondness was a talisman he needed but his desire for her was like a cilice worn in secret as a penance he owed. But now Demelza believed they were still meeting, still joining, betraying their vows to others.   
Ross was only now beginning to grasp what had come from that one night with Elizabeth. A son he could never acknowledge, a woman he had loved now had to protect that child and her reputation, and a wife who felt betrayed and now believed their life and love had been a lie. Rousing himself from these thoughts, Ross grabbed his coat, wrapped Demelza in it, and pulled her close to the fireplace and stirred the embers, put on more logs and kindling till a roaring fire blazed. Only then did he leave her and go upstairs, glancing at the children, still asleep, he grabbed a dry shift and blanket. Going back downstairs, Demelza was shivering and staring at the fire. Ross dressed her in the shift and wrapped the blanket around her. Sitting beside her, Ross pulled her close till she stopped shivering and he knew she was asleep. Sitting and holding her, Ross mused on what this day had wrought till a pale sky formed and he realized what he must do next.   
Returning to the house, unsure of what awaited her, Demelza climbed the stairs and paused before entering the bedroom. Only once before had she feared what might happen next as she stood outside the door to this bedroom; that first night when she offered herself to Ross. Her trepidation then and now was that he would refuse her. Had he rejected her then she could only have returned to her father, but now she had no where to go and not only would she have to leave Ross, her home, but also her children. Slowly she opened the door and saw Ross lying on the bed still dressed. Approaching she placed herself beside Ross. When he reached and pulled her to him, Demelza felt relieved and chastised.   
Demelza had betrayed Ross, and now she understood what it meant to cause the pain, and that was the greater burden she would now also bear. Demelza clung to Ross, this is where she always longed to be. To often their days were filled with so much responsibility, when they went to bed, passion or tenderness was outweighed by exhaustion and kept them apart. And though Ross had promised her Elizabeth would never again come between them, Demelza knew the love Ross felt for Elizabeth could never just simply end. Ross might vow he was over Elizabeth, but a person didn't just stop loving someone. But now she knew Ross' continued rendezvous' with Elizabeth had been seen by Prudie and proved what she had feared these many months.   
Though their reconciliation took months after that night Ross spent with Elizabeth, it had been followed by a renewal of loving, and even another child, Clowance. Demelza feared that their return to intimacy and shared life was only a hollow promise. At best Ross had replaced his desire for Elizabeth with his encounters with her. The knowledge of Valentine as Ross' child haunted Demelza, try as she might to ignore it, as Ross pretended to. For how he could not know with he and Elizabeth still, still what lovers, the thought was heart wrenching. How she had worried for his safety, had Elizabeth also worried for his safety? His remoteness, disinterest in her, even his suggestions she should look elsewhere now made sense. He was still in love with Elizabeth.   
What she had done with Hugh was a moment of weakness or had something inside her needed to force Ross to decide once and for all between Elizabeth or her. Perhaps Ross must be forced to understand what she felt when he spent that night with Elizabeth. Still she was the fool, for even now she did not want Hugh, and still loved Ross. Yet what Hugh provided was what she had needed, value, respect, and desire, something Ross had not offered to her for so long. But when she returned he was waiting for her, and even took her in his arms. As they laid together, she waited for him to fall asleep. Once his breathing slowed and his body relaxed, she rose, checked on the children, and quietly left the room. Demelza felt the call of the sea, demanding her presence. The sea had been the only witness to her transgression, and now it was her only confident.   
When unable to resolve a problem she sought the sea. The power of the sea humbled her, as she listened to the crashing of the waves, whatever she was thinking would be drowned and only the sound of the sea would fill her mind. But tonight she needed the sea to cleanse her, to wash her body and her soul. Upon reaching the tide line, Demelza removed all but her shift and walked into the sea. As the water washed over her feet she felt nothing. Walking out to the where the waves broke she sank under the water. Rising she waited for the next wave and immersed herself again, and then a third time. Standing she allowed the waves to break against her where Hugh had entered her. Demelza needed the sea, a baptism to be reborn. Standing Demelza wanted the sea to take away what she had done with Hugh. Standing there allowing the sea to cleanse her, all trace of Hugh was swept away.   
Yet she remained, unable to leave the pounding of the sea on her body, was it demanding a greater sacrifice of her to atone for her sin? She waited unsure if she would ever leave the sea. Demelza then heard her name called, turned, and saw Ross standing there, his hand outstretched reaching for hers. She paused, wondering should she go with him or remain in the sea and let it decide what to do with her. She felt liminal, unsure where she belonged, but old habits remained, and she accepted his hand. As they walked back to the house, with each step the cold became more pervasive, she was shivering, her thoughts were only of the ache inside her. Suddenly Ross swept her into his arms and she no longer felt a part of the world.   
Once in the house, Ross removed her shift and she was naked before him. At one time when Ross removed her clothes Demelza anticipated their loving. But, she feared that might never happen again. As he stared at her, Demelza felt embarrassed and an apprehension for what he was thinking. Then he wrapped her in his coat and rekindled the fire. His smell was strong on the coat, intensified from the his days of contact with the fabric. How often had he wrapped her in it with him when she was chilled. Inhaling deeply, she was stimulated and visions of their past played in her half sleep state. Recalling all the times Ross had been there to rescue her. That is how they began, and through it all, it was Ross who always came to save her.   
Demelza tried to put her mind on those times, but unable to focus clearly she succumbed to gray visions, past, present, or future, she was unsure. For a moment Julia was there and she was happy, but that faded too quickly and the pain of losing her remained, then memories of life with her father and brothers, as those slipped away, the one of Ross returning that morning after his night with Elizabeth. She wanted to cry, but felt cold, empty, and dry as a bone. She had no idea of time, and simply drifted in and out of a fretful sleep full of sadness and despair. When she woke, the sun was up, but she was still held tight by Ross. His arms encircled her, she was warm and satisfied. The children were playing before the fire.   
For a moment, Demelza thought she had fallen asleep and dreamt all of it. Surely it had been triggered by a bad turnip, none of it was true, Prudie telling her of Ross and Elizabeth, her time with Hugh, standing in the sea, none of it could be true. She must have been ill and these were the visions conjured in her feverish mind. Slowly, she roused and looked at Ross, his eyes were closed, but she knew he was awake. She wanted to kiss him, for him to take her to their bed and join, right now, during the day, leave the children for Prudie to watch. Then have him kiss her, enter her, call her name, possess her as only he could, and assure her none of her dream was real. But, she knew, those were not the imaginings of a feverish mind, but real memories. The painful reminder of what had transpired yesterday. Would they ever come together again? Why had Ross come to rescue her? Was he simply acting out of a long habit of being her rescuer? What did he think of her now? Questions, all about Ross, none about Hugh. He had been but a moment in time, necessary to assail what she'd felt at learning that Ross and Elizabeth were still lovers. Demelza remained in his arms and wondered how to go forward.


End file.
